When I was young my parents and my teachers told me that I could do anything I put my mind to, even become President of the United States. Since I'm a white man I actually believed them. As I got older I realized it wasn't so easy... you also need to be rich. I'd really like to be president but I'm not rich, luckily I have a plan. For starters I definitely need to run as a Republican, I'm not really interested in having good ideas or caring about America plus I'm a white man so I assume I'll fit right in. Anyway, without further ado here is my plan to win the Republican presidential nomination for 2016.
1) Get Some Money: I'm broke, that doesn't bode well for a Presidential run. I'm going to need to raise some serious cash, so clearly I need to crowd fund this thing. The first thing I need to do is make sure that people think I'm a viable candidate. All I need to do is make it clear that I'm running as a Republican and BLAMO, problem solved. But I still need to make money, lots of small contributions are ok, but if being a Republican has taught me anything it's that I should really only care about people with LOTS of money. I'm thinking $1 Million per ambassadorship to all the Caribbean nations should do the trick. I'm also definitely willing to sell the vice presidency, think I can get a cool $10 mil for that?
2) Spend All the Money: Getting on the ballot in all 50 states is actually a costly and tricky endeavor. They each have their own requirements and you need to get enough signatures in each state. The easiest way to get people to sign a petition to get you on the ballot when they don't have a clue who you are, is to bribe them. I'm thinking a box of bullets in the red states and a bag of pot cookies in the blue states and I'll have more signatures than I know what to do with. I'll spend the rest of the money on commercials with me petting kittens and plaster them all over the internet. I can already smell the oval office...
3) Shut Up and Don't Blow It: This is the tricky part. Watching the 2012 GOP nomination process I realized that it is actually rather easy to become the frontrunner in a pack of paraplegics. That's not really fair to the disabled community, but if they get mad I'll just assume I can outrun them. Oh yes, it feels so good to be a Republican, if anyone calls me politically incorrect I can just pull out a gun and tell them to say it to my face (not realizing, of course, that they did just say it to my face). Anyway, this is the kind of thing I won't do as a potential Republican presidential nominee. I'm pretty sure that all I have to do is nothing, assuming I can keep my mouth shut for 6 months everyone else will have done something so outrageous that I'll be the only credible candidate left. When voters go to the polls, it'll be a bunch of candidates they know are un-electable and me. I'm liking my chances.
That's it. Seem's like a pretty foolproof plan to me. Of course, being a Republican now I'll actually get to test whether or not it is truly foolproof...
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